Guess Gas Gassed

Wednesday 28th November 2007

Earlier this evening, after a hearty meal with AzimTheLurvvvaah, ShukTheSick and the Shiraliques (chanced meeting! great hungry minds think alike!) at Simpang's Spize, I was suddenly attacked with a funny, gassy feeling in my tummy, which made it look bloated and stretched. And it felt bloated and stretched! It wasn't altogether painful, though. More so, uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Which is ironic because I just had comfort food.

(Aaahhh....grilled mediterranean succulent chicken kebab slices from Spize, truly shawarma for the soul!)

Anyway, personally, anything even remotely uncomfortable is painful...I only seek pleasurable pastures these days. :p So I sat in my little corner of our table and kept quiet, while the rest listened intently to Shuk's ghosthunting expeditions, waiting for the discomfort to pass. Half an hour later, still feeling as bloated as a puffer-fish terperanjat, I dragged my red Crocs to Spize's toilet to see if I needed to prematurely give back to nature what I just took in.

One big and loud rear-end gas release was all that ensued. I came out of the toilet -stressed, red-faced and defeated. No relief, I still felt like a bouy.

Lumbered back to seat, contemplated my options and wondered what this was and how it came about. It's scary, the hasty way that it appeared and its shitty, the way it made me feel. I didn't fancy making like a supermodel and puking but that seemed like the last resort, if I wanted to get this over and done with quickly.

I couldn't afford to fall sick as Azim was due to have a lesson tomorrow morning at 8am. If I was even the tiniest bit unwell, he'd definitely cancel it to be with me and though on most days, I'd relish the thought of being babied by the husband, this time I wanted him be selfish and think of himself first. Azim needs whatever lessons he can get nowadays. For the past few months, though theory lessons were regular, his practicals have mostly seen weather that was as unpredictable as it was bad. Rain would sneak up in an instant and put a damper, literally, on everything. Rain means no lesson. Even if it just looks like it might rain but it doesn't rain, also no lesson -poor visibility and whatnots would just result in a complete waste of time. :( But tomorrow's forecast promised good weather, especially in the morning so I don't want to be the spoiler instead, especially if it's just because of excess gas!

So I poked a finger down my throat and puked, though with hardly the grace of an anorexic supermodel. No, not at Spize! At the petrol station across the road, in a toilet I can only imagine to be the inspiration for the next Saw or Hostel sequel. Ugh. Anyway, I felt a tad better post-puking and after a glass of fizzy Eno, which Azim got for me from the nearby Shop'n'Save, relief came, slowly but surely.

By the time we got home, I was almost 100% better. Apart from two more puking episodes which came about without me having to poke me throat (vomited right smack into the sewage hole in my toilet floor....yes,into the toilet floor...no, I have no jamban, it's been removed to make way for my new bathroom suite..so currently, all manner of ....erm...expelling kena precise aiming), I will go to sleep in peace, with a significant absence of uncomfortable gas.

But I'm still perplexed. What was that all about? How come? I normally have a strong stomach, linings thickened with the help of my voracious appetite. I also process gas very well. I don't store it, any excess is eliminated promptly and discreetly, though not always sweetly. Whatever it is, I know I have a knack for this disgusting bodily function, a talent I'm sure many of my good friends and my devoted husband can grudgingly attest to. In short, I've got an excellent digestive system, if by "excellent" we mean my system can get rid of any unwanted matter in my body easily, timely and painlessly. Painless to me, at least, not to present company.

The last time my tummy felt something like this was last December, during Izrina's wedding, when I had a bad bout of stomach flu. But that one began, built-up and burst gradually and took days, as well as many many MANY toilet trips to run its course and disappear. My only other bad digestive episode was the only real case of food poisoning (inevitable result of greedily scoffing dodgy plate of roadside stall mee goreng in the outskirts of JB) I had in my life. That was a long and torturous ordeal which saw me either curled up like a cooked prawn on my bed, on the toilet bowl or, at one point-of-no-return, on the toilet floor. For at least three days.

This tummy trouble disappeared as quickly (but not quick enough!) as it appeared. What was it? How? Why? Hah?!

Am I?