Felt Tip Post

Friday 13th April 2007

Today is Friday the Thirteenth.

Not that I have any form of triskaidekaphobia for today to make an impact worthy of a post. But today marks seven days to the 20th. Four years to thirty. Six years past twenty. A hundred to infinity. And what have I got to show for my twenty-six years? Maybe plenty. Maybe naught. I don't know how to really tell at this point because all I'm thinking about now are the things I still have to do and I am selectively oblivious to the things I have done. And there I thought I was the kind of girl who took my victories where I found them. Hey, I do, actually! Yes, I do.

But not now.

It has been quite a while since I dug deep into my emotional pockets and came up with something straight from the insides of the very insides of my heartshaped box to put up for display here. Not that I have been lacking in emotion. On the contrary, I've been rather emotional these days, especially as that day draws near. In fact, these feelings have been hitting a high note so elevated, I'm sure a full-frontal on my personal portal would warrant quite a shockwave. A force so strong, people who think they knew the Raihan they've known for so long, would probably think twice. But I have refrained for a long time now from wearing my heart on my sleeve and I'm not about to go starkers and do a full-on. I've become too private for that.

Before anyone prescribes chill pills for me, I'd like to state that, for the record, I'm happy. In the past few months since 2007 commenced, I've made up with friends I've fallen out with, I've met people who can only make me happier, I've seen, felt and touched (and driven!!) beauty and I'm more in love that I've ever been before. In the swirl of all that serotonin, I'm in the midst of preparing for my second-year wedding anniversary holiday with a person I love with all my heart and who loves me more than I ever thought I was worthy of being loved.

But in the tumult of things, lies that one feeling that I can't shake off. It's not entirely good yet it's not entirely bad either. And I'm only saying it like so because, months after that feeling first started, I still cannot define why it is there and why I'm like this. And why, despite life being easier prior, I am not really working towards relieving myself of this. Maybe it's the masochist in me. Maybe it's the realist. Maybe it's the silent optimist trying to outdo the eternal pessimist. Maybe it's just a birthday thing....the getting older bit trying to bite me in the ass.

And maybe I'm not making sense to you, any of you, who have been valiant enough to carry on reading till this point. I do apologize for the scrambled brains but I'm not going to decode the ambigious. I'm not going to shed any light. I'm not going to clarify. Well, not here at least, for I am only too aware of those who will formulate their own dramas and carry my story (in their own version, of course!) like a sword.

But I will sum it up in one word.

Unsettling.

And I will leave it at that as I start packing for our AnniBirthsary holiday in five days.