Fear Factors

Monday 7th August 2006

I stand here now, vis-a-vis with my life for the next few years to come.

The next two years, at least. Off the top of my head, I'd say I'm psyched. Go a bit deeper into my being and I'd say I'm stimulated. Fervent, even. Would I say I'm afraid?

Fear is what happens when something doesn't quite coincide with what you understand. Fear is what happens when that safety net is lost from sight. Fear is what happens when the more you know gives you an endless tunnel of what you don't know. Fear is also when you put on your size two pants and make a muffin-top out of your tummy's excess dough. And I can't run away from it but I can face it. Confront. Comprehend. Conquer. The "Conquer" bit a tad susah lah but get at least the first two out of three mapped out and you're good to go. I am not an expert at obliterating fear but I've seen and been through a few things in life that could shiver me timbers and boy, did fear come in spades! And after it all, though I've not trampled all the kingdoms I've ravaged nor have I won all the battles I've fought, I'm still rocking on. You win some, you lose some, you grow some.

Somehow the recent regression and downturn of events have done naught to upset me. Perhaps I'm numb. Perhaps I'm crazy. Perhaps I'm a freak. Perhaps. But I'm still happy. Life's not (yet)perfect (not even with my new pairs of shoes et al) but I'm sufficiently happy and excited enough to take the many years to come, full-on; challenges, celebrations and everything else in the catalogue.

I'm sure one particular female office leprechaun would want me to falter, to give in and give up. It'll give her euphoric pleasure to wring my defeat in her gnarly hands. Yet, her wrinkly boobs, cold eyes and emotionless voice does little to quiver my dodol, let alone my ground. Looks can be deceiving and I might cry at the slightest nudge (I've been known to cry at face cream commercials!) but doubt not, not one bit, that I. Am. Strong. And. I. Don't. Fear. You.

Period.

So we've established that I am not afraid. At leat, not afraid of Ms Leprechaun. Not afraid of Ms Leprechaun's power. Not afraid of anything Ms Leprechaun wants to dish out to dishy dishy me. Heh.

Above it all, scary or not, I believe wholeheartedly that everything happens for a reason and my mom has taught me to put trust in the hikmah di sebaliknya. And I believe her, even if I don't believe in the intangible. My mom's word is strong as oak and her strength is as constant as time. See, as I walked through my past life- my old life when everything was a challenge- with my gut as a radar and my mind as a sword, I might have been failed by me. But I have never been failed by her.

And so far, for the four years that I've been with him, I have never been failed by my pillar of foreverafter. My husband, my best friend and my soulmate, Mohamed Azim Babushuknya (yes, I am making that his official last name!). As much as I hardly deserve him with all that I've done to disappoint him, he can only love me more. And I can only reciprocate his love, with reverence in my eyes for a man so incapable of impatience and so infinite with love. Even for one as impudent as me.

So I fear nothing, you think? Oh no, I fear many things. Many, many things still set my pulse racing in the worst way. As I've said, the "Conquer" bit is difficult. And I'm no Wonder Woman.

I guess the one thing I am really afraid of is losing. Losing, in more ways than one, which in turn branches out to several categories of things I am or can be afraid of. But most of all, I am afraid of losing faith in myself.

But as someone pointed out to me that day, it would be hard to lose faith in myself when I have such amazing people who have their faith in me. And like a pleasantly vicious cycle, it comes a full circle and what is half, is almost always whole.

And with that, I say, Syukur Alhamdullilah.