I react to an ugly bag the same way Superman reacts to kryptonite.
One of the earliest ugly bags I remember cringing over was this big, black rectangular nylon DKNY tote with a picture of a white bikini top stretched over and across the front. That was in JC, I was turning 17 and I might not have been fully knowledgeable about arm candy, as most of my carryware was technically, back candy. Yeah...you know, backpacks of the Eastpack, Outdoor, Nike kinds. And the most labelled I could afford was Quiksilver or Mambo. Itu pon merayu hati sayu, pukul-pukul dada, menangis tersedu-sedu to my mom to buy it for me until she gave in. Yet, grubby backpack or not, I knew an ugly bag when I saw one.
So back to the ugly bag. I remember Sadin (Norazlina Sukor lah, for the uninitiated!) and I bitching about it so ruthlessly until we secretly awarded the poor bag owner herself an ugly nick name just to reiterate how ugly the bag was, though the girl was nowhere near ugly (she was quite hot in college ok!). The moniker was....
Beg Coli.
Yeah...Beg Coli. We know, we know..... that thing on the bag is supposed to be a bikini top. I'm sure Donna Karan did intend for the whole world to immediately know it's a bikini top. But we were errant little Malay girls with very crude minds. We wanted to see it as a bra. A coli. It's uglier like that what?! More brutal. More fun. Coli. Coli. COLI!
So we called her Beg Coli mercilessly. Not to her face lah...she's not Malay so she won't understand what we meant and we would probably have to explain to her the origins of the nickname and subsequently, reveal to her our none-too-kind opinions about her bag.
"Eh, Beg Coli cakap kau punya Economics essay kau belom pass-up ah!?" Beg Coli was our class rep. She tukang collect homework, tukang bodek teacher, tukang kejar orang belom pass-up homework...that kinda thing.
"Eh, Beg Coli dengan si dektu dah break-up eh?" Beg Coli was going out with a guy who was not really near her level of hot but he was a very very very nice guy. I remember this guy hid behind a pokok by her house to surprise her in the morning of her birthday to walk her to school. Sweet lah but I swear if I was in Beg Coli's shoes, I'd jump out of my coli in fright. And beat him to death with my ugly beg coli.
"Eh, kau tengok eh bila Beg Coli ketawa, mata dia hilang!!" Beg Coli was the veritable Channel 8 minion. And when I'm beside her (somemore with my hockey-training-burnt skin), I felt like the bottom part of Cadbury's Top Deck chocolate bar.
Yes, we could not stop referring to Beg Coli. Even when there's nothing to say about her, we'll selit the nickname into our conversations.
"Sadin, aku dengan Beg Coli nak cakap Selamat Hari Raya dan Maaf Zahir Batin."
Yeah...actually it's Sadin and I who need to say Maaf Zahir Batin to Beg Coli. But I think after I left JC, Sadin stopped making fun of Beg Coli, referred to her by her real name -within earshot or not and redeemed herself somewhat. I, being the renegade that I am, haven't seen Beg Coli in ages. The person nor the bag.
Takpe. That's not my point.
My point is, I react badly to ugly bags that are expensive (yes, to me that time, DKNY bags were expensive ok?!). As I've mentioned, like Superman to kryptonite, the effect of ugly bags on me is crippling, my veins get strained and push against my skin, my breathing gets ragged and my face takes on an unusual pallour. Okaylahh...not so dramatic until like that but you get my drift, yes? Ugly expensive bags just don't deserve any sort of shelflife in my life.
First wave, it's the ugliness that hits me in the gut. It's a bag, for Gucciness's sake! An accessory for utility. To be used in public. You know, the public, the part of the world where one usually tries to hide the ugly. Not carry it.
And then, there's the price. Excuse me? I'm sorry?? You want half of my salary for that barf-bucket? No thanks, I can go home and glue ugly pieces of cow skin and dead leaves on my favourite NTUC plastic bag and when I use it tomorrow, I'll drop by the snooty boutique with my new bag and marvel at how I can be as talented as the design house's head designer. Free some more. Hand-made jugak tau!
*grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*
I'm not sorry. I'm not ranting. I'm not bored. I'm indignant.
Cause for commotion??
Both also from the house of Louis Vuitton. Ape je.
And you thought LV would never go wrong. Well, to err is human but isn't LV a magic kingdom somewhere along the pearly addresses of Gucci Goddess Garden, Hermes Heaven, Prada Paradise and Dior Divineshire? This is not to say the aforementioned divine designer deities did not come up with some kind of crap carriers sometime in the past too, ok?! All of them came out with at least one wank-job sometime before. I can recall one ugly Gucci hobo, an overpriced leather asswipe from Prada and a dodgy Dior sent to die, not to die for.
*Sigh*
How to convince the husband that all those bags I bought (and want to buy and will buy) are worth the money as the name itself speaks of quality, class and timeless beauty when dinky duds like these cause my carrywear credibility to fall from grace?
And now, Phoebe Phillo has left Chloe. With Tom Ford gone from Gucci and Karl Lagerfield looking up to weird little girls as his muse, I'm going to have to let Beg Coli know her bag coli is going to be the next cult item if ugly bags take precedence and kryptonite pops up in leather pockets everywhere.
Nonetheless, I shall hold on to my faith. Afterall, the Gucci Flora and the Guccissima came out post-Ford, right? And the Fendi Spy and Zucca range can offset the damage their ugly new B-bags (eeeww...!!) will cause sooner or later. And Chanel will always have Coco as its ultimate muse. Her classic cambons will always haunt Lagerfield's permenant sunnies. It's just Marc Jacobs we have to keep our eyes on. He is bona-fide talent on two legs but he falters every now and then.Word has it one of his latest bags looked like a cambon gone wrong. So there.
And here I am, fresh from Bangkok with more than a dozen cheap (yah...less than $20 can?!Woo hoo!) Naraya bags for my friends and family. And for myself also lah, of course.
Cheap or expensive, candy is candy. And candy cannot, will not and MUST NOT be ugly.
Like bag coli.
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