Aim and Shoot

Thursday 12th May 2005

I would like to go right into you.

I would like to go inside your heart and find the heartbeat that throbs with fervour to pummel my pride. I would like to go inside your mind and find the train of thought that carries enough carnage to kill my constant elation. I would like to go inside your past and find the very page that proves that your history was once tainted by me enough for you to hold such resentment, revolt and repulsion for me. I would like to go inside your conscience and find the monstrous muse that moved you to maul my loved ones and question my morals.

I would like to know where you got the right to insult my husband, my friends and my life. I would like to see how perfect, pure and prudent you are yourself, to be able to preach to others your ideas of goodness, humility and morality. I would like to rip you for awhile from your dodgy Anonymous life and put you in my shoes so you can see what living my life is all about. I would like to tie you up, sit you down and show you, in living colour, what two decades of growing up with financial instability, astonishing disloyalty and family discord taught me to fully appreciate every single good thing that comes my way now. Be it the material facade of the Ritz-Carlton, a London trip, my "waitressing" job, a new Gucci hobo or a new pair of Christian Louboutins or the real deals like my husband's kiss, my mother's smile, my sister's giggle, my nenek's voice, my galpal gatherings or my latest clean bill of health from my monthly check-ups.

You seem to want me to be the way that you think is right.To be a lesser being that you think I should be so that you can feel better about yourself, perhaps? To live a hard life myself and blog about it so that your life doesn't seem so hard, maybe? To stop loving the people around me so that you can start loving yourself, no?

Or are you going to come by and tell me your life is already very (or near) perfect, thank you very much but you are just so humble, you don't feel compelled to brag about it the way I am doing and you just want to make the world a better place by turning me into a humble, subdued and placid person with your hateful messages behind your cowardly moniker?

True, I have a blog with a comment system. True, I should expect anons, winos and whatnots to come and take a freeforall shooting range, with me as the sitting duck. True, I cannot please everyone all of the time. But it's also true that I don't bloody hell have to please, in the first place. And most of all, I don't have to please you, my dear Anon. So I'll write and boast and bitch and brag about everything I bloody hell want. Here's the pitchfork. Grind all you want.

Careful now. Don't poke yourself while you're at it.