The Truth Be Told

My Pre-Nuptial Cleansing Ritual
(This is going to be a long post so for those intolerant of reading compositions or over-extended non-fiction, please refrain from reading this as I write this with my heart on my sleeve and the sleeve is quite,quite long)

I was lost in thought yesterday.

I realize I am frequently lost in thought nowadays. It's either the bimbotic streak catching up on me or I just need random time-outs to just space-out as I frazzle my fragile sanity planning my own wedding with my heart and my soul, coupled with my crazy flying roster and my anxious Azim.

Or I am just getting that wee bit melancholic as I will sever all ties with my single status in April to have and to hold that sacred piece of paper that unites us in our Muslim faith.

Having said that, I shall now come clean armed with thoughts of yesterday. I think I have to, so that when people come to my wedding, they know what I mean when I tell the Kadi that I will be Azim's wife forever and love him for life. And I will know what I mean myself when I say those words, no strings attached.

Cleaning out the skeletons in my shabby closet.....
In an attempt to come clean, let's start at the dirtiest spot. A little while ago, someone (ie.Anonymous/Nina etc) came into my blog and started shooting blanks at me. He/she/it came at me with all sorts of accusations and assumptions and pretty much thought that his/her/its brutal words would sum up to everyone the scum of the earth that I actually am. The words came in droves and got more hurtful, more scandalous and more vile and I was hurt more than I'd like to admit. I challenged the perpetrator to come face to face with me or at least connect with me via technology on a more personal level so I can verify how such stories surfaced and trace its originals. I even revealed publicly all my personal contact details for easy retrieval since this person has got so much to say about me. After which I waited for Anonymous to raise his/her/its head to be brave enough and shout at me in my face.

To this day, I have yet to welcome my supposed archnemesis. The lashing toungue has somehow gone silent and disappered. To this day, I still do wonder how such bullshit about me managed to be conceived and nurtured to such extreme levels of defamation. Logically, such stories have got to be based on something and sourced from someone. I mean, there were some truths in the shit the person displayed like how I did stay in Gillman Heights and was labeled "rich" by some yet I don't get the things I wanted and had to work for it and my wardrobe is not a walk-in with snazzy new clothes from Helmut Lang. And I did go out with someone from the national football team but it was only ONE person and for a few months and it wasn't scandalous, despite this particular footballer's preceeding reputation. And I had boyfriends in secondary school from selected elite boys schools but it was clean, puppy love. So this Anonymous is possibly someone I know or someone who knows someone I knew. However, as much as I can run everyone I know and used to know in my head, I cannot think of a person who can hate me enough to do such a thing. To this day, I wonder recurringly who is the girl I allegedly "backstabbed" till her family was shamed to oblivion and how did I "backstab" her. As far as I know, the last backstabbing thing I did which hurt another girl deeply was when I actually wanted her "cute" boyfriend for myself and succeeded in breaking up a couple who have been together for three years by the age of 17. This is something the old teenaged Raihan did EIGHT years ago and I am ashamed of it but it is to prove the last big fat bad thing I did to hurt a fellow female. So for that cliffhanging blog mystery of 2004, I rest my case. My requested answers will never be offered by my silent Anonymous.

Oh and last I heard, the couple reconciled. Jodoh tak kemana. Even when itchy-backsides like me interferred.

Admittedly, I might bitch and I am manipulative. But I bitch about rumours I have heard from reliable sources or stuff I've seen myself. I don't bitch rumours that I created myself while cutting my toenails or believe and bitch stuff straight out of a fresh victim. And if someone did not step on my toes, I do not see a reason to step on theirs. I am not vindictive. I used to be vengeful but since I've been with Azim, my heart has softened so and it is simpler to trust the power of karma.

Cleaning out my mouth and my mind : The Shahnaz & Hairul Era....
I do regret past instances of being with a guy who hit me and cheated on me but I wasn't an angel myself either. When I was with Hairul, I still had something going on with Shahnaz. To me, though I did care for Hairul eventually, he was a leeway for my getaway from Shahnaz. I was with Shahnaz for too long when I was too young and it wasn't going anywhere and finally, I could really see that it wasn't going anywhere so I needed a distraction (because I was one who couldn't kick a bad habit!). So while I prepared to break up with Shahnaz, I eased Hairul into my life. I even went to Brunei to see Shahnaz and had Hairul pick me up at the airport, thinking I went to Brunei for a wedding! Yes..yes...bad Raihan! Four months into juggling Hairul and Shahnaz, I ended things with the old boyfriend and attempted things with the new one. It lasted four more months with much turmoil and I broke away from it all. And found Azim.

The way I see it, there shouldn't be any hard feelings. Shahnaz and I are friends again now and he admitted to meeting up with his ex girlfriend circa me secretly having Hairul. Shahnaz and I are now occasional gossip kakis and sometimes I have to sit through , his "Music of the Moment" when we have voice chats on MSN. He called me to check on me on the day of my dad's funeral. Once, when I had an argument with Azim and called Shahnaz for an opinion and a listening ear, he obliged and even berated me for getting angry with Azim! So...he is actually a nice guy, this Shahnaz. He just needs to break that mirror sometimes and listen to his heart.

Now, one niggling booger in my history cache is Hairul. I did blog about how horrible and possesive he was. I blogged about how I felt like by jumping from Shahnaz to Hairul, I was really jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. He was having shady seedy sexual relations with his ex girlfriend circa me still being with Shahnaz. Aaahh..see? We were all happily cheating on each other and we didn't know it. I'd take this moment to swear truth on all that I alleged about him but I'd also like to admit I was biased. I just blogged the bad stuff and I did not consider the circumstances and the good stuff. I believe Hairul is a good guy too. He just wasn't the good one for me and I wasn't the good one for him therefore we constantly made each other unhappy in ironic attempts to make each other happy. Hairul would have been a better friend to me than a boyfriend. In the past, when I needed help, he'd answer my batsignal. When I needed a place to go, he opened his home. When I wanted a lift,he'd come all the way to give me one. I would admit that we had good times but we were not good enough for each other. I can safely say now I did not love Hairul. I cared for him that much to tell him I did "love" him and cared for him enough to try and work out a relationship but now, compared to how I was with Shahnaz till it went stale and how I am strongly feeling now with Azim, Hairul wasn't what I can sum up as someone I loved. People tend to think otherwise because I am by nature a very emotional person. When I get into an argument with anyone, even with my own mother for the tiniest tiff, I would get very dramatic with my words and gestures. I would cry and wail my lungs out as a postscript of the argument and bawak diri to somewhere secluded by myself till I've whacked myself in the head and got over it or till I've called a galpal and unloaded till my senses are calmed. Since I frequently argued with Hairul, this happened often. I'd cry till mata bengkak just as a counterattack. I'd get overly-dramatic and say things like "Oh I'd die if you would ever leave me!" Then when the moment is over, I'd kick myself in the ass for proclaiming self-mutilation coz I'm supposed to be too smart for that. But smarts can't control one if one is as emotional as me. But because of my emotions, people think I easily fall in love. Maybe I do easily fall in love but I wasn't in love per se with Hairul. I doubt it. I even recycled touching poems I wrote personally for Shahnaz and gave them to Hairul. Ouch. Would I do that to someone I loved? I guess Hairul was just a nice addition to have around in my life then coz my galpals were busy with uni and he was my social salvation, so I won't be a lonely-assed 21-year-old with lotsa friends but no life. I didn't want to forsake him yet.

Hairul never really found out about Shahnaz and I, until I told him later on after we broke up. About him and his sexed ex, I found it out by accident. I won't divulge how but it was with an unconcious bit of detective work on my part a.k.a. snooping in his drawer. I wasn't snooping for damning evidence though, I was snooping for a pair of shorts to do yoga at his house! However, my heart is free of any anger aimed at Hairul and it was free a long time ago. True, I lumped all the shit together and threatened to kick Hairul's ass big time after I dumped him. But anger is pointless as it only made me heighten the negative feeling and deferred any form of inner peace. And Hairul's vices worked by default to make Azim work harder at getting me to trust so the faith and trust parts in my relationship with Azim were built very quickly and surely. So I let it go a long time ago, after I've blogged enough about Hairul's crap. And even then, I didn't blog to insult. I blogged to inform.

Oh before I continue, I have to reveal this. When I first announced to my galpals that I was with Hairul, they vehemently disapproved and they were actually right. So word of advice: Listen to your galpals. They can see what you can't sometimes. Mardee, take heed.

I digress.

But I get the feeling Hairul still has issues and is very angry with me about something I can't put a finger on. I thought he moved on too. I thought wrong.

Cleaning out my SMS Inbox.....
Early last year, when his grandmother passed away, my mother called me to inform me of her passing. Apparently, my grandmother and his grandmother were somewhat related thus the news brief from my mom to me. I felt sorry and actually sent him a nice text message from my Dubai mobile, extending my sincere condolences. He replied with thanks and asked me how I was (it was at this point where I was sure this guy has moved on like I have!). So I replied with news of my job and my Dubai and my engagement and asked him (out of courtesy) how he was. And it was at this point that I regret texting him anything in the first place. For he started bombarding me with messages describing his wonderful new life without me, his hatred for me, his regret at being with me at all before and his decision to pretend I never existed in his life. I was his bona fide life's worst mistake. And amongst all the feelings of hatred, he informed me that he is married and his wife is expecting their first child.

I replied that I was really glad for him and it's amazing how much he has moved on in his life. I congratulated him. I asked him will it be a boy or a girl. I didn't acknowledge his messages of hatred. I preparing for a flight to Birmingham and I wanted to get on with it! But he didn't stop there. He carried on like a tidal wave. I was surprised. He is married. He was going to be a father. Isn't that enough joy in his life to push out all the anger and hatred he can feel about a measly unimportant ex-girlfriend? Isn't he contented enough to settle down and concentrate on his new married life without jumping at every chance to decapitate me? I text him in good faith, with no ill-feelings intended and I get a shooting spree in return. Sheesh. I am contented enough with Azim and the contentment gnawed away at my bad past till I do not feel anything murderous against all the ex-es in my life. Doesn't the same concept work with other people like Hairul?

Apparently not.

He carried on with at least twenty overseas messages, letting me know what a gem his wife is, what an angel she is compared to the devil that I am, how he secretly was in love with her all the time he was with me, how relieved he was when I dumped him (I recall, relieved till he had to go on his knees, cry and beg me not to leave?Excellent actor then!), what a good person with a good heart and good woman she is, how proud he was that she bled when they made love on their wedding night (I SWEAR he actually told me this!), how excited he is about his baby, how he is a different loving man with his wife........

Seriously? In all honesty? Do you think I wanted to know it all?

Seriously, I, as the "dumper", don't give two flying fugs but he, the "dumpee", told me the gory details anyway. And I actually entertained him by giving him nice text messages in reply. I said I was truly happy for him that he has moved on. I told him I knew his wife and I think she is a nice person. I told him to treat her like a princess coz she deserved it. I told him I was her friend when she was with her bastard of an ex, who did not treat her well at all so he, Hairul, as her husband, would definately make up for all the tears she shed, like how Azim is making up for it all now. I was a very supportive and encouraging punching bag. He disputed my words and told me I was lying about her ex. He even said "I don't care what you say,bitch. I don't even remember how you look like. All I remember was that you are short, fat, ugly and acne-faced." Hah? Seriously...hah? Am I really? Anyway, I was surely an idiot to have entertained him. In the words of Mad Noor, "The man has big-time issueslah!"


Truth being, Hairul's wife is a nice person. The first time I met her was in 2002, I was with Hairul then and it was during the rare occasions I'd go clubbing. This time was at China Jump. She came with Hairul's friend and we got along coz she was loud and unpretentious armed with a laser sharp toungue. We exchanged numbers. Tried to be galpals but Hairul disliked her for unknown reasons. And I swear, when Hairul told me not to hang out with her coz he didn't like her, I teased him and said "Ha...you hate her now tapi mana tau you'll marry her pulak one day!" And honestly, I don't know why but it always struck me then how perfect this girl would be for Hairul. I don't know why but I saw some sort of possible parallel. Honest!

Anyway, when she got admitted to Changi General Hospital for some reason, I went to visit her with Abang TG secretly after one of our radio shows for if Hairul knew I went to see her, he'd kick up a fuss. When I was invited to Marina Yusof's wedding, I attended it secretly (again!) with her and at that time, I must say, I was amazed that she turned up at a Malay wedding in a black pencil skirt and a red top with a killer patent black handbag and shoes. She didn't give two freaking fugs about the rest of the Malay clan clad in kebayas,kurungs and kains. I thought she was uber cool. I liked her style.

But we had to drift apart coz Hairul forbade me to see her. But sometimes, when Hairul and I had an argument and he'd go off and meet up with the guys, she'd sometimes be there coz she was close to Boon, one of Hairul's friends, and I'd call her (or she'd call me) to check whether Hairul still looked pissed or whether he was okay coz I don't like it when people are angry with me for too long, especially when I'm not angry anymore. She'd always give me a good report on him even though she is aware he did not allow me to be friends with her. She and I could have been good friends coz we were quite the kakis. But the turning point was when something happened within Hairul's group of friends with her involved and I only heard it from one of the guys' girlfriend, Irma. I asked Hairul what's up but he didn't go into details even after he got the full story from his friends. Since I was not so inquisitive, I let it rest. From then on, I lost touch with her and the last time I spoke to her was when I was still in Gucci in 2003 and she got outraged that I called her a "minah". What happened was, after a month or two of handling our breakup badly, Hairul got together with her and he sent me a text message proudly informing me of his conquest. I replied bitchily with a "Sajaklah tu, mat dengan minah!". Haha...the "minah" thing was not really an insult aimed at her, it was an insult aimed at Hairul but she took it personally and insulted me over the phone with bombastic words like "braggadocio" and "ignoramus". I can tell she had a dictionary open on her side. Even I don't use such language casually, even in my most feeling-British colonialism moments. I wanted to continue the little dialogue but I remember that evening, while I was reeling with anger at being insulted with stupid wordy words, my mom called me frantically with a false alarm that my dad died. Obviously, he didn't but his heart did stop for a moment.

Taking out the trash and bad karma....
So it has come to this point, as I dissect my life, I realize I don't have to be enemies with anyone. I am not enemies with Shahnaz. I am not enemies with my ex-boyfriend the footballer dude. I am not even enemies with Anna (aku selit aje nama kau kat sini pasal we have fought before,ey Anna?). So why should I be enemies with Hairul? He is married and I believe now a father of a baby boy (whom I heard is adorable!). I honestly think his wife is cool and I adored her kickass dress sense at that time when I met her (I was 21,she was 23!Of course she was cooler!) with her chic Chanel blotters and her impeccable make-up. And Hairul is in essence, a good person and his family was very kind to me when I was with him. And the fact that he is now a husband and a father would allow all of us to be proper civilized adults void of any insults, bad baggage and ill-feelings.

Why can't we all get along then? The tit-for-tats have all been said and done and the end of an era draws near. I want to get married to the love of my life with a clear mind and with no bad vibes from anywhere in my past. I want to really smile on my wedding without any fear that someone's gonna set the Ritz on fire. I want to have babies and have them grow up without any karma due. So I hope I am going to set this thing straight. When I return to Singapore again on a duty flight in a fortnight, I'll see what I can do there so the bullshit with Mr & Mrs Hairul stops crapping.

So after revealing what I have not revealed to anyone but my galpals, I have shed more light on the journey of self-actualization I went through and still going through in life to be the person I am now. I feel such relief to have the whole thing off my chest and to confirm to myself that that we are all weak and fallible beings that fate loves to play around with. I can go into vivid detail here for I try to remember some of the significantly dramatic details in my life. These bits help me out sometimes when life seems helpless. Like when I'm faced with obstacles I can't seem to weave out of, I'd think of the hell I've been through and survived and I have renewed vigour to kick some obstacle ass. Again, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger, no?

So yes, I can be a liar, I can be manipultive, I did cheat on someone and I did steal someone's boyfriend before and I am no angel and no stars are going to fall down from the sky and light up my eyes (I quote my gay friend Ghaz!). But I am only human and I have a fistful of errors.

But then again, we all have tendencies to cheat, to be itchy and to try the open field frivolously till we hit on the right one. It's like a lifelong game of musical chairs until fate puts you on the one chair left that will make you comfortable, stabilized and safe and is yours to keep. And you keep on sitting on that chair for life, even if some other musical chairs game starts somewhere nearby or when you decide to leave and join the other game that's just started. The chair you sit on can be anything from your career, to your lovelife, to your faith in this life and even to your domestic inclinations.

And I've got my chair now.

In April, I'll be sealing my ass to that chair for life. Hopefully, with squeeky clean and readily eager buttcheeks.