The Call

Friday 14th December 2007

10th was The Day.

I don't know why it was particularly unnerving for me this time. I've been here before, I've done this before, I've scored before. It's just that before, it was not meant to be for good, for real, for long. Before, I was supposed to be somewhere else, not here, not now. Before, He had other plans for me, plans in another place far far away. He'd rather I go there, for my own good. And with all my heart, I'm thankful He sent me there. Because it was there where constant goodness happened for real; good things, good times, good tales.

Now, I'm here and this is now. He has brought me back here with the one I will love for life and to Him, I'm still thankful.

But I'm only human and I'm still Raihan. The Raihan who is always unsure and suspicious of anything even remotely good for herself. The Raihan who is told she can do it but will go about like she really really can't. The Raihan who always thinks she's not good enough even when she's at her best.

When I set off from home on the 10th, my stomach was in knots and my heart was beating triple-time. My husband, who woke up bright and early to send me there, drove with one hand and held my clammy hand in the other, looking at me reassuringly from time to time. Of course he's calm....it's all good for him! He is on his way to getting to do what he plans to do post-Dubai. And precisely because of that, he believes my wishes will be fulfilled too.

"Because we're in this together, honey. Susah..senang..together."

Together? Together for everything? You mean when you get the good stuff, I will get my good stuff too? Honey, I'm an eternal pessimist. You need more than cliched phrases dripping with positivity to get me to believe I'll be okay today. But aww...sweet words, nonetheless. Heh.

Perhaps it's because I know more is expected of me this time. Simply because of where I've been, what I've done and why I'm here now. Perhaps it's because the girl who was at this point the last time was just that...a girl. Young, single, inexperienced and carefree.

But years have sped by and that girl's no longer here. I'm here now, a married woman, living a life now shared and planned alongside the life of another, with a mortgage to take care of and a family to make when the time (and money!) is right. With everything else, perspectives have shifted, priorities have changed. I seek to soar this time, not to chase a dream but to keep a reality. And so I went through those glass doors on the 10th of December 2007, with a different objective from when I was last there in 2002 and 2003 but with the same purpose as before.

Today, on the 14th of December 2007, after many trials and tribulations, I am, once again, infinitely grateful for these wings I have.

Syukur Alhamdullilah.

PS: Thank you, honey, for letting me do this before we "do" anything else. :) I love love love LOVE you. And good luck for your exams tomorrow. You'll score, fret not. You always do. Heh.