Okay so what happened in London was that I got sort of mugged by a gypsy. Yes, a gypsy. And yes, mugged. I dunno. Though it was not a Ross-got-mugged type drama here, I think it substantially constitutes itself as a type of mugging. With the force used by the perpetrator, the specific demands of what should be handed over, the giver’s unwilling parting of items of value, the escalating fear of getting hurt and the funky smell of said perpetrator….it certainly doesn’t qualify as a charitable donation. I was mugged.

So I got off the very crowded tube at Knightsbridge. Yes, to go to Harrods’s, none other. After I got out from the underground station then I realized it was raining and I was without an umbrella. Cold, chilly rain. Since nothing could get me down (yet), I smiled at a lady waiting at the station’s exit for the rain to stop and skipped off to take a little run in the rain towards Harrods’s. Since they were building some sort of a façade a few meters down and the construction canvases and scaffolding provided some sort of a shelter from the rain, I got out of the rain quite quickly. Phew….but not for long.

Before I could even recover from the quick shower, I felt my arms being grabbed from somewhere within the crowd. I got yanked forward and I found myself face to face with a little blonde lady with a nice, kindly face. (Note: Nice and kindly with clear blue eyes tau!) She shoved a little handmade crepe flower into my hands and said “Hello, young lady! We do this every year for the children, for the children. Give some money for the children. C’mon, young lady, for the children!”

I got caught off-guard. I didn’t ask twice, I simply thought she was asking on behalf of some orphanage (I am a sucker for parentless children…) and I just bloody hell had completely no idea that she was a gypsy (I didn’t know gypsies still exist in this part of the world!) What with the “children” tagline, my wet hair and face and seemingly wet chest and my severe naivety, I smiled, said okay and started digging around my bag for my sterling. While I did that, she stood in my personal space, real close and looked into my bag too! And I think with the sight of my Ixus, my shiny new disc player, my Rich Dad, Poor Dad book and my deludingly fat LV purse, it got into her head somehow that aku orang kaya sesat and started saying, “C’mon, love, give paper money. Ok? Paper money. See,” she holds up a wad of notes, “We only get paper money today. We do this every year. For the children. For the children.”

“Ok…ok. I was going to give paper money. Let me just find my pound notes.”

Woman with blue eyes moves closer into my personal space. I still don’t suspect anything and I dig around FURIOUSLY for my pound notes which chose that time to disappear into an unknown crevice in my bag.

I held up a bunch of Dubai dollars. “You want dirhams?”

“No,no, young lady, love. Please. English money.”

Dirhams also paper money what….tadi dia cakap paper money, didn’t she? Well, as slow as I can get, instead of getting agitated at the peering blue eyes, I got pissed off with my hiding sterling roll. When I found it, I started to flip through the pile for a 5-pound note. Before I found it though…

“C’mon love, give the big pound note. C’mon. For the children,” she interjected sweetly but suddenly then, I noticed her blue eyes darken dangerously.

And I actually did give 20 pounds. Without hesitation. Without ponder. And then…

“Give more, love….give all that is in your hands. For the children….give all that is there!” still sweetly yet dangerously.

“No, ma’am. I’m sorry. That is all I can afford to give in pounds. I need the rest to eat in London. I don’t live here. I need to eat. This all here is my allowance. I still need to eat, ma’am. I’m sorry.” I started saying…

I mean, the supposed orphanage representative actually demanded from me a specific amount and was imposingly blocking my way so I can’t move. I was starting to get suspicious. But because this was happening in broad daylight, in the middle of a thronging crowd, in the middle of a sheltered pavement, a few meters from Harrods’s, I was still willing to grant her the benefit of my doubts of her as an evangelist do-gooder so I didn’t start screaming or anything. But because alarm bells were ringing in my head, I refused to give her anymore than the 20-pounds that I gave with real sincerity and keikhlasan hati . 20 pounds is like around SG$60 and 120 dirhams! She didn’t give up though. She relentlessly demanded, not begged nor pleaded nor asked, for all the money in my hand but she had the smarts not to grab. I relentlessly refused and apologized profusely but firmly….I really can’t! I’m not trying to pull a Haji Bakhil but I needed at least some of the dosh to take the tube back to the crew hotel and to eat for the next few days and she wanted all of it, no discount! Nak mampos eh?!

Suddenly she stopped. She shouted a quick command to someone behind her and whaddaya know….there’s a whole GANG of them! Only thing is they’re like some tri-generation women’s terror group or something for I saw a granny-type, another mummy-type, like my Blondie Blue-Eyes, and two little blond girls, aged around 6 or 7 at least! She held me tightly by the arm then and pushed me towards the other mummy-type. This one, also blond with darkish grey eyes, took me, held me on the arm where the other held me, also tightly and started talking to me in very pekat English. I started to look lost. She stopped and asked me if I understood English. Like duh! What did she think me and her friend were speaking in earlier….Elvish?

“Okay,love. I want you to hold this ball, “ she shoves a small crystal glass ball into my hands, “I want you to make three wishes. Now.”

I look at her blankly. Blink. Blink.

“Okay…made your wishes?” I didn’t make any wishes. I didn’t reply. Blink. Blink. (I think at this point I was in shock or something..)
“Good. Now, take these.” She dropped three little seashells in my palm. “These are your three wishes. Keep them and your wishes will come true. Throw them and they might not. I know your life is full of distress (huh? Really ke?) and there is someone who bears a grudge against you (that I know already!) and the man in your life will ask you to marry him (uh….he already did. I’m engaged tau…) and when you do, you will have 3 children, 2 boys and a girl (Izzati, if you’re reading this, when she said that, I thought of your three baby girls!). Now, I tell you the truth here because I am a gypsy. (NOW I know the gypsy part….!!!GYPSY?!!) A real gypsy so we do accurate fortune-telling. So keep the shells, love. But if you put all that money in my hand now for the three wishes, whatever you wish for will come true.”

I stared at her blankly still. Blink. Blink.

“C’mon. Put all the money into my hands and your wishes will come true.”

I finally roused myself from my sudden stupor and told her the same thing I told the other smelly woman (yes, at this point was when I realized their funky smell..). She insisted. I refused.

In the end, I actually bargained coz I could see Harrods’s clearly from where we stood and I didn’t want to waste any more time. I offered her my 5 pounds. She insisted on 10. Kerana Raihan penat and hungry, I gave her the 10 and started to make my way AWAY from them. As I did, I looked down at the little girls with her. They were adorably pink from the cold and beautifully blond and my heart was just about to melt when one of the little angels pointed at my wad of notes in my hand and shouted, “GIVE ME THAT! I want that!” Oooohh…them gypsies even manipulated their young ones’innocence to fuel their refusal to work with the regimentation of wage-labour! At that point, I knew my day was thoroughly screwed. I just lost all my mojo, in addition to 30 pounds.

To top it all off, Harrods’s was a disappointment. I didn’t see the hype people put on it. It’s just another department store with a little more fancy footwork than usual. It’s novelty has probably been jaded by the fact that they have Harrods’s corners in various parts of the world selling all that is indicative of a Harrods’s novelty. Like one in Singapore’s Taka. I know they have one in Dubai. I was hardly impressed despite being there for the first time. Yeah, they have some other labels other stores in other countries don’t carry but so do the other British department stores like Debenhams, Harvey Nichols and Selfridges. One thing that I found particularly interesting was the shrine to Princess Di and Dody, with the smudged wine-glass and shiny diamond ring. I saw a picture of it in my friend Trina’s blog but to see it up-close was quite overwhelming. All five minutes of being over-whelmed, that is.

Didn’t buy anything at Harrods’s. Skipped across the road and indulged in some Zara London retail therapy. Bought Azim a real nice Zara T-shirt that says “Stunt Man” across the front. Yeah…my Azim can do some nifty stunts of his own!

Then on my way back to the hotel in the tube at the end of the day, I missed the stop I was supposed to change trains in. When I finally got on the correct platform, a British dude popped out from nowhere and said he followed me all the way from Knightsbridge and would I like to have coffee with him…….

AAaarrrggghh….stop this London madness!

He looked decent enough and was well-dressed but of course I declined nicely and he was very gentlemanly about it. Maybe next time, he said. Yeah right, I thought. He smiled at me, I smiled back, he turned around and walked away and I sped myself back to my hotel and that’s where I stayed, fixing Amy, till it was time to get ready to fly home. I only went out awhile the next day, to Kensington, to get May’s Glamour for myself and FHM for Azim.

Apa nie…….drama Melayu kat London pulaaakkk……I can’t believe so much happened in one day. Despite it all, I still love London…it’s energy…it’s people (NOT the gypsies though…)..it’s ability to be a beautiful place despite having old buildings EVERYWHERE…and the cold, cold weather. So I’m okay….I’m getting ready soon for another flight to London today.

Next time, when I see those gypsies and they ask for English paper money, I’m going to give them Monopoly dollars. Hey, those things can buy Picadilly!